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I am not ready to give her up!

It may be ridiculous, but all I can be right now is sad.

Summer hasn’t even started yet, and already it’s too short.  Two months?  That’s barely enough time to picnic, forget finishing our unpacking, fixing up the house, gardening, heading to the lake, and all the other things we want to do.  We’re going to blink and it will be time for school again.

Autumn used to be my favourite time of year.  I loved the weather, the leaves, the fact that most folk stopped coming to the lake – leaving it just for us…  I loved everything about it.  Now I’m dreading it.

Autumn this year means my baby is leaving me.  And the kicker?  I’m the one who convinced her to give grade one a try, she wanted to stay home and have me teach her.  But Ms. Jackson, the grade one teacher at Mayfair?  She’s fabulous.  Is so obviously passionate about her kids, and I just know Lily-Ann could learn so much from having her be a daily part of her life.  I’m just so not ready to give her up.  Not even close to ready.

Moving from Pre-k to Kindergarten was hard enough.  I still miss our Friday afternoons.  But the idea that come Fall I will only have my girl for a few hours every day???  It’s just too much.  I honestly cried myself to sleep last night.  It’s ridiculous, I know.  I can’t help it though.  I am not ready to give her up.

We haven’t even started Summer holidays and already I’m depressed and upset over Summer coming to an end.  How the heck am I going to make it through?  There isn’t enough time in the world to prepare me for giving up my daughter full time to the school system.  Can’t she go part time?  Honestly?  Truly?  Is that an option?  Because THAT would make it all better.

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Natalia: Oct 1-15, 2012

Losing Natalia today was harder on me than I’d expected.  The last few days she balanced that tightrope between life and death so closely, we knew there was a good chance she’d pass…  but with her finally starting to gain weight, I had hoped that perhaps we were turning a corner.

Damon and I came home for a feeding at about 2:00, by 2:30 we made the choice not to tube her.  She was almost gone, and we didn’t want to put her through it.  We took turns holding her against our chests – keeping her warm and close.  At 3:21, right before we had to leave to pick up kid kid from school, she passed.  Damon passed her to me, and I held her until he had gone to the school and brought Lily-Ann home so we could all say goodbye.

We honestly thought that perhaps we’d turned that all important corner with her…  that the tube feedings every two hours, the warm water enemas, the warm baths, vitamin drops, colic cures, all the intensive care and extra attention had given her what she needed…  but it clear she was ready to go.  She fought long and hard, but was just too tired to keep on trying.  I keep reminding myself that 30% of all puppies don’t make it – but it’s little comfort.  I am grateful we have four healthy strong boys to love and care for.  But it doesn’t temper the sting of losing Natalia.

Natalia on October 8th @ 2.3 ounces. Being bottlefed by Damon - who worked so hard for her.

Natalia on October 8th @ 2.3 ounces.
Being bottlefed by Damon – who worked so hard for her.

Natalia on October 15th @ 2.7 ounces. Rest in peace sweet little girl, we will see you again.

Natalia on October 15th @ 2.7 ounces.
Rest in peace sweet little girl, we will see you again.

 

 

Safe Travels Deedee!

Tomorrow morning is going to be a tough one.  11 hours from now, we’ll be leaving to take Deedee to the airport where she’ll fly to Kelowna to meet her new family.  Placing puppies isn’t easy…  but placing one who is a year and a half is even harder.

Deedee at the lake a few weeks ago (next to her sister Alice and mommy Roo)… and yes, those are my dirty camp toes.

 

We’ve known since she was only a few months old that there would come a time when we’d place Deedee.  This litter was a co-breeding between myself (Sidhe Dogs) and Em (HiLeigh Chihuahuas)…  so with two puppies one was ours and one was hers.  We chose to keep Alice as her temperament just fit in better with us.  Which meant it was just a matter of finding the perfect placement for our little tri-coloured girl.

Deedee is a lot like her mom: super smart.  She’s also super accepting and willing to just sit back and let the girl manhandle her.  After all, Lily-Ann has been holding the pups since they were a few days old.  At this point it’s just second nature for them to relax in her arms and have her cart them around.  She’s gentle with them, but she is a kid, and the pups learn quickly to just relax and go with it.  Because while they won’t always be carried around or treated in a dignified manner, it’s always done gently and with love.

Alice ended up being our pick, mainly because her temperament is more like her dad’s, she’s the snuggler.  And I need a snuggler.  Lily-Ann bogarted Marnie, so our family clearly needed a second.  And as much as we love Roo, one Roo is plenty for any household.  😉

Thankfully for her new family, while Deedee is a lot like her mom, she did inherit some of her dad’s easygoing nature.  She’s up for just about anything at any time.  She’s happiest on the go.  She loves hiking, hitting the beach, camping…  and as the only dog in her new home, she’ll be toted everywhere and doted on by this active family.  It’s also nice to know that all their past fids (furry kids) are all still so treasured (pictures hanging up as reminders of those who are waiting for them at the rainbow bridge).

We really are going to miss our little treasure…  but we wouldn’t let her go if we had any doubts about her being treasured there too.  It really is going to be a hard morning.  Lots of tears ahead (and some right now too).  The girl and I have already shared a cry, but I’m sure we’ll have another tomorrow.  Our little Deedee is one in a million, and she will always be loved.

Deedee getting a smoosh from Lil (after a bath) early in the Spring. This picture is the wallpaper on my iPhone.

Missing out, and pouting about it.

So tonight’s blog post brings you a bit of a pity party.  I’m not a happy camper, and I don’t really feel like posting something that’s all nicey nice.  I’m not putting on a happy face, and I’m not going to pretend I feel great about things.  The fact of the matter is, I’m upset and I’m sad, and it’s my damn pity party and I’ll cry if I want to.

With this darn Eustachian Tube Disorder, I’ve been S.O.L. when it comes to driving.  Generally speaking, it tends to be at it’s worst when I’m in a car.  I’m guessing it has to do with the pressure inside the vehicle.  My ears snap crackle and pop a ton, and I find it disorientating and distracting.  I’m also far more likely to hear myself breathing and my heart beating all from within my head.  Driving is just not happening these days – which means I haven’t been hitting the shows.

For those who don’t know me well, I spend my Springs, Summers, and Autumns hitting the shows.  My youngest sister and I pack up my vehicle and we do road trip after road trip, all over the place going to dog shows.  I LOVE handling.  I feel at home in the ring, like I belong there.  I’ve shared here before about how much I love showing, love everything about showing…  and it’s something I sooo look forward to.  It’s chaotic and hectic and filled with WAY too much politics, but I love it.

With this ear issue, I haven’t been to a show since this Spring.  I’m going a little stir crazy.  The one thing that was making it all okay was the Saskatoon show coming up the first weekend of September.  It’s a HOME show.  Which means I don’t have to go road tripping, I don’t have to drive.  It’s a show I can do… and I’ve been clinging to that like a mad-woman.

Today I logged on with the intention of registering Alice, and possibly Marnie too, for the show.  Only, I get to the site to discover entries are closed.  Yep.  They are closed…  and I’m close to tears (the only thing keeping me held together is knowing if I break down and cry the girl is going to ask why, and when I tell her that we can’t go to the dog show she’s going to cry too… because it’s one of only two shows SHE gets to show at every year – and like me, she loves being in the ring).

Why am I so shocked considering the show is fast approaching?  Well, I get a constant influx of emails letting me know when different closing dates are approaching.  That way I don’t miss entering a show that I want to be at.  I never got one for Saskatoon.  If I had?  I’d have damn well got my entries in.

So that’s where we are.  I can’t drive to shows right now.  I can’t even drive around town, no way I can drive for hours to hit the shows.  So the one show I’ve been holding onto attending, the one show left this year that I can still do…  and I missed the entry deadline – by almost a week.  And yes, now that the girl is asleep, I’m in tears.

I wrote to the show secretary, to see if there was ANY way we could still get in.  I explained that I never received the email about the deadline, and how the ETD has made it so I can’t drive to any other shows…  but it’s too late.  Pat was sorry, but there just isn’t anything she can do.  It’s what I expected, but I had to try.

So yeah.  Kind of a lousy day.

I miss my dog shows.

Nothing on the horizon

Going through iCal today, figuring out what I need to do next, I’ll admit to getting teary when I realized there is nothing relating to Camp fYrefly on the horizon.  I’ve been so focused on camp the last six months, it’s an odd feeling seeing NOTHING on iCal in purple (purple is the colour I chose for all things Camp fYrefly related, I’m big on colour-coding it’s the only way to keep organized).

I truly feel that everything I’d done in my life, somehow lead up to my position as camp coordinator.

  • My work with youth, and winning the “youth for youth” award in high school.
  • Personal experiences and interactions throughout high school, university, and beyond.
  • All of my equal rights activism
  • My life in politics
  • The experiences I’ve had running a political party
  • The time I’ve spent in front of the camera at media events
  • My time behind the camera, appreciating the inherent beauty in all people
  • The negative and positive experiences of owning my own business(es)
  • The fact that I’m so crafty/artsy
  • My being so “sex positive” and open to talking about pretty much anything
  • All of the years I’ve spent studying and teaching operant conditioning
  • Even becoming a mom

All of it, it all led to the moments at camp.  Those vital, amazing, life changing, life AFFIRMING moments.  And now, looking at my calendar, knowing that it’s over…  well…  I’d admit to there being an immense sense of loss.  Sure, I still have lots of work before camp stuff will actually be done with.  Lots of little detail things, invoices, bills, receipts, paperwork, reports, etc.  And I still have all of my amazing, incredible, stupendous campers – none of whom I intend to lose track of, and all whom I hope will be up for the occasional get-together/reunion.  But there is still a part of me mourning, seeing nothing actually scheduled in.  Nothing purple on my calendar.  It’s a feeling I didn’t expect, but there it is, just the same.

I feel lonely.

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